“But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? Everything comes from your hand. And now I have seen with joy how willingly your people who are here have given to you. O LORD, God of our fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Israel, keep this desire in the hearts of your people forever, ...and keep their hearts loyal to you.”
Reading these verses this week was completely spontaneous. It has been something I have been reflecting on. My deeds and my belief, and how they happen to work together (if at all). It's so easy to know in my head. Of course they both must work together. It seems, on paper, so simple. But a few weeks ago it did not. I completely lost all joy in doing deeds (deeds meaning good, godly deeds like serving and sharing the gospel). It is even hard to explain now---it is half a realization of how insufficient I am, how so many times I do not have God's interest in mind. Another half, a doubting of who God is because, feeling my insufficiency, I doubted that God could even use me, even want to use me. Right now I feel sort of silly going on about this. But it is completely true. It is good and right to know who I am, my own sin and incapability to do awesome things. It is when I lose sight of who God is that it starts looking ugly. And that is what it is. My deeds are ugly without Christ at the center. There is always a root to a plant. Christ needs to be the root of my deeds.
I like how David in 1 Chronicles 29 asks, "Who are we that we could give so generously?" It is a privilege to give, to love, to serve, to do good deeds. It is something we have to be given, in a way. "Everything comes from Your hand." Everything we could possibly give to God was and is and will always be God's. The end. It is not a burden. God gives us so that we may give, and God wants us to desire to give. Giving is so like God. He wants it to be us, too.
I heard this phrase this week:
Pray Big.
I intentionally capitalized the 'big.' I think, in reading prayers from the Bible and Jesus' own prayers, that praying big is the way to go. When you ask God for something big, when you ask God for anything at all, it is really realizing God's character. He is the Giver. He is generous, and He knows what we need.
Okay, the cookies are done baking, so now I have to go to sleep. (:
Thursday, July 1
Tuesday, June 22
things, a bunch of things
I was thinking the other day about stories, specifically testimonies, about God and Jesus and how He's changed someone's life. I remember the first time I had to share my testimony, I mentioned to someone that I wasn't sure what exactly to include---and what to leave out. The reply was, "Put all of it!"
Perhaps it is just the geek in me that wants to say, "You cannot put all of it; storytelling in itself is limited to choices and limitations." But I must not get academic about it.
I recently discovered a quote from the singer Jason Gray, which goes as,
"I think the best thing that can happen to us is to be 'found out' for all that we are, our religious and human pretenses stripped away to reveal our sin, pettiness, and weakness. Then we can devote our energies to better endeavors than the constant masquerade of sufficiency. The added benefit is that people are able to see how God's grace works in a real person's life. When we come clean about our brokenness, Christ becomes the star of our testimony and not us."
What was meant by "Put all of it!" was not to censor for the sake of protecting my name or saving me embarrassment, or making me look like the hero. I really really love the Gray quote. Life really is all about Jesus.
When you grow up in a Christian household, when you've gone to church longer than you've gone to school, when you've learned the songs to memorize the books of the Bible before you knew all of your multiplication tables, if you got saved when you were young and not even aware of your own vulnerability to sin, only faintly understanding you are sinful---sharing your testimony can get pretty tricky. Not because it happened so very long ago. But because, at least I find this in my own life, I have to, in the present, remind and be reminded of the gospel and what that really means for my own life now. My testimony is continually happening.
When I wrote up my testimony for the first time, it was six pages long, single-spaced. I got saved in the second sentence.
I was reminded only recently of my way back past. I got saved when I was in 6th grade. I don't remember the date, but I remember the night and what led up to it. Before that, I had "said the prayer" and "walked down the aisle" at kid's church. I think I was six. I remember in sixth grade I didn't want to, didn't really know how, to tell someone my testimony because I thought I was quite old for just getting saved.
And I remember poems. I wrote them mostly when I was mad. I was always mad. But I also wrote them to somehow dissolve my anger. I feel like God use poetry to teach me things in a way that made sense to me.
This post is kind of all over the place. I will end with one of the earliest poems I wrote.
(note: I was really into the sonnet form then. This particular poem is not set in a consistent meter. Obviously it is a metaphor, and I'm sure you have heard this analogy before.)
Sonnet No. 3
Like a healthy ray of light You came in.
But You didn't just shine, no, You contended
to make the flowers grow, intended
to heal them when they were so thin.
I loved the sun. I loved to bask
in Strcngth exceeding the strongest strong.
But I thought You were wrong
when You made it rain. I rang my voice to ask
of Your move to send forth thunder, to
damp the brightest morning with the sending of the storm,
to drown the living, and to cool the friendly warm.
I cried out to sue, but God already knew,
"This is your trying, my child, your gain
for flowers can't grow without rain."
Perhaps it is just the geek in me that wants to say, "You cannot put all of it; storytelling in itself is limited to choices and limitations." But I must not get academic about it.
I recently discovered a quote from the singer Jason Gray, which goes as,
"I think the best thing that can happen to us is to be 'found out' for all that we are, our religious and human pretenses stripped away to reveal our sin, pettiness, and weakness. Then we can devote our energies to better endeavors than the constant masquerade of sufficiency. The added benefit is that people are able to see how God's grace works in a real person's life. When we come clean about our brokenness, Christ becomes the star of our testimony and not us."
What was meant by "Put all of it!" was not to censor for the sake of protecting my name or saving me embarrassment, or making me look like the hero. I really really love the Gray quote. Life really is all about Jesus.
When you grow up in a Christian household, when you've gone to church longer than you've gone to school, when you've learned the songs to memorize the books of the Bible before you knew all of your multiplication tables, if you got saved when you were young and not even aware of your own vulnerability to sin, only faintly understanding you are sinful---sharing your testimony can get pretty tricky. Not because it happened so very long ago. But because, at least I find this in my own life, I have to, in the present, remind and be reminded of the gospel and what that really means for my own life now. My testimony is continually happening.
When I wrote up my testimony for the first time, it was six pages long, single-spaced. I got saved in the second sentence.
I was reminded only recently of my way back past. I got saved when I was in 6th grade. I don't remember the date, but I remember the night and what led up to it. Before that, I had "said the prayer" and "walked down the aisle" at kid's church. I think I was six. I remember in sixth grade I didn't want to, didn't really know how, to tell someone my testimony because I thought I was quite old for just getting saved.
And I remember poems. I wrote them mostly when I was mad. I was always mad. But I also wrote them to somehow dissolve my anger. I feel like God use poetry to teach me things in a way that made sense to me.
This post is kind of all over the place. I will end with one of the earliest poems I wrote.
(note: I was really into the sonnet form then. This particular poem is not set in a consistent meter. Obviously it is a metaphor, and I'm sure you have heard this analogy before.)
Sonnet No. 3
Like a healthy ray of light You came in.
But You didn't just shine, no, You contended
to make the flowers grow, intended
to heal them when they were so thin.
I loved the sun. I loved to bask
in Strcngth exceeding the strongest strong.
But I thought You were wrong
when You made it rain. I rang my voice to ask
of Your move to send forth thunder, to
damp the brightest morning with the sending of the storm,
to drown the living, and to cool the friendly warm.
I cried out to sue, but God already knew,
"This is your trying, my child, your gain
for flowers can't grow without rain."
Monday, June 14
Back
And here I am. Writing another blog post. It's been quite a while, but I think that should be ok.
Galatians 5:4-6
4You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. 5But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. 6For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
Last Sunday night I went to a concert in Southern Florida. Jimmy Needham was the artist, a singer whom I had only recently discovered.
I'm not here to write a concert review, but I will mention a few things about it. Jimmy Needham is pretty well-known around the country, so I assumed there would be a lot more people than there were. It was just a tiny conference-style room. We were there 45 minutes early and had the closest seats, right behind the reserved chairs. So we got the full experience. They started out with some worship by the home church's band. It was incredible, not because they were stunnily talented (they were, but I only half noticed it), but because it had been a long time since I had been in that kind of environment, live music, in a crowd, all of us singing to Jesus. A few months back I had thought about how truly amazing it is, just to have so many people using their energy to sing to God. And there's a difference, singing to God and for God and because of God. All three happened.
And then Jimmy came and sang/spoke for an hour and a half. What particularily stayed with me was his explanation of his song "Forgiven and Loved." He explained that it started out as a journal entry. "Tell me I'm forgiven and loved." Jimmy spoke of the God of his earlier years, the God with a "disappointed" sign plastered across his face.
I have been struggling this probably my entire life. It is my flesh and my insecurities that claim God is not pleased, that God's wrath remains against my sin, that I do not deserve love and that I cannot please God.
There is a lot of Truth in those feelings. That is probably why I feel that way---there is something broken in my communion with God, there is something broken about me, something actually ISN'T right.
But Jesus makes it right. He made it right and is making it right. Romans 8:1 says, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." None. At all. Jimmy kept repeating that that is the craziest verse in the Bible. It really is. It goes against my instinct. I want to work for it, but God says I absolutely, never ever can.
See it like this:
All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
Isaiah 64:6
And then:
...in all these things we are more than conquerers through him who loved us.
Romans 8:37
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!
1 John 3:1
"We cannot trade empty for empty, we must go to the waterfall, for there’s a break in the cup that holds love, inside us all."
David Wilcox
"But how much more could we enjoy each other if instead of trying to get them to fill us we walked with each other toward the waterfall?"
Mike Donehey
I need the waterfall.
Galatians 5:4-6
4You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. 5But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. 6For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
Last Sunday night I went to a concert in Southern Florida. Jimmy Needham was the artist, a singer whom I had only recently discovered.
I'm not here to write a concert review, but I will mention a few things about it. Jimmy Needham is pretty well-known around the country, so I assumed there would be a lot more people than there were. It was just a tiny conference-style room. We were there 45 minutes early and had the closest seats, right behind the reserved chairs. So we got the full experience. They started out with some worship by the home church's band. It was incredible, not because they were stunnily talented (they were, but I only half noticed it), but because it had been a long time since I had been in that kind of environment, live music, in a crowd, all of us singing to Jesus. A few months back I had thought about how truly amazing it is, just to have so many people using their energy to sing to God. And there's a difference, singing to God and for God and because of God. All three happened.
And then Jimmy came and sang/spoke for an hour and a half. What particularily stayed with me was his explanation of his song "Forgiven and Loved." He explained that it started out as a journal entry. "Tell me I'm forgiven and loved." Jimmy spoke of the God of his earlier years, the God with a "disappointed" sign plastered across his face.
I have been struggling this probably my entire life. It is my flesh and my insecurities that claim God is not pleased, that God's wrath remains against my sin, that I do not deserve love and that I cannot please God.
There is a lot of Truth in those feelings. That is probably why I feel that way---there is something broken in my communion with God, there is something broken about me, something actually ISN'T right.
But Jesus makes it right. He made it right and is making it right. Romans 8:1 says, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." None. At all. Jimmy kept repeating that that is the craziest verse in the Bible. It really is. It goes against my instinct. I want to work for it, but God says I absolutely, never ever can.
See it like this:
All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
Isaiah 64:6
And then:
...in all these things we are more than conquerers through him who loved us.
Romans 8:37
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!
1 John 3:1
"We cannot trade empty for empty, we must go to the waterfall, for there’s a break in the cup that holds love, inside us all."
David Wilcox
"But how much more could we enjoy each other if instead of trying to get them to fill us we walked with each other toward the waterfall?"
Mike Donehey
I need the waterfall.
Friday, April 9
Instead of Looking for You
I wrote this poem in March.
I really dislike explaining writing. I hope it can speak for itself. Mostly I do not want to tear it apart, or try to fit it into anything.
This is just a poem I wrote when I felt like my back was turned to God---when I knew I needed Him most but could feel Him least. I don't pretend like I understand everything. I had His Truth but it wasn't the life, in my mind, as it had been. I had not realized how hard to it I had become, how it also became monotonous. It never should be like this. His Word should break me down, should melt me, should satisfy. Instead of myself looking for God, He sought me.
Instead of Looking for You
I take to wondering about a light bulb. Again I see this, my eyes shifting
across like a doll’s; instead of looking for you, I position myself constantly staring
backwards into a drilled-out forest as it always disappears, dips
into fading snapshots. Grabbing
for a salty leaf or tearing branch,
or an arm. Sometimes I brood over a knot I could not solve
years before, instead of looking for you. I do whatever I can.
And after I’m done ripping paper or canning out messages,
the flames of a month ago tapping my shoulders still,
I remember.
I wonder how I could have fled from something full, something
real, someone
severed on a cross, still beating. When you find me
I am just a wilting fist of defense,
hardly human.
I really dislike explaining writing. I hope it can speak for itself. Mostly I do not want to tear it apart, or try to fit it into anything.
This is just a poem I wrote when I felt like my back was turned to God---when I knew I needed Him most but could feel Him least. I don't pretend like I understand everything. I had His Truth but it wasn't the life, in my mind, as it had been. I had not realized how hard to it I had become, how it also became monotonous. It never should be like this. His Word should break me down, should melt me, should satisfy. Instead of myself looking for God, He sought me.
Instead of Looking for You
I take to wondering about a light bulb. Again I see this, my eyes shifting
across like a doll’s; instead of looking for you, I position myself constantly staring
backwards into a drilled-out forest as it always disappears, dips
into fading snapshots. Grabbing
for a salty leaf or tearing branch,
or an arm. Sometimes I brood over a knot I could not solve
years before, instead of looking for you. I do whatever I can.
And after I’m done ripping paper or canning out messages,
the flames of a month ago tapping my shoulders still,
I remember.
I wonder how I could have fled from something full, something
real, someone
severed on a cross, still beating. When you find me
I am just a wilting fist of defense,
hardly human.
Tuesday, March 9
The lowdown (:
Here are topics, etc. for future blog posts...
My dove promise wrapper: "What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?"
John 4: 34-38
marriage and covenants, book of Hosea
resurrection
Psalm 21:9, Malachi 3:2-4
Great stuff. More will come. Give your feedback and insights, you who read this. (:
My dove promise wrapper: "What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?"
John 4: 34-38
marriage and covenants, book of Hosea
resurrection
Psalm 21:9, Malachi 3:2-4
Great stuff. More will come. Give your feedback and insights, you who read this. (:
I'm writing this partially because I feel...
guilt·y [gil-tee] Show IPA
–adjective,guilt·i·er, guilt·i·est.
1.
having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law; justly subject to a certain accusation or penalty; culpable: The jury found her guilty of murder.
2.
characterized by, connected with, or involving guilt: guilty intent.
3.
having or showing a sense of guilt, whether real or imagined: a guilty conscience.
I mean that lightly, first of all. This is just my second blog post this month, first of all, and it is already March 9th. New Year's resolution. I better get a move on.
Then again I do not want to write just anything. I want to write something people need to read (those who are actually reading this...). Actually, I've been learning a lot this year, and I have a few blog post topics I've noted places...all I need to do is to jot them down. It's mostly laziness than lack of material.
So now I shall write down another thing I have been dealing with: and that thing is actually guilt.
"Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:7-8
"Beyond all question, the mystery of godliness is great..." 1 Timothy 3:16a
"This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance (and for this we labor and strive), that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe." 1 Timothy 4:9-10
I feel as if I put too much stock on myself. What can I do? How can I do this? It doesn't work that way. It can't work that way. I really like these words to a song:
"I'd be a liar if I did not say, you crushed my life and ruined me that day..."
If I am going to follow Christ, I can't have my preferences. It doesn't work that way. I can't have my identity in what I want---why should I look to a career or a relationship, or success---when Christ has paid everything for me, when God's spirit lives in me? It's crazy, crazy unbelievable that a holy, perfect, beautiful God would make his home in me. Really. I wish I could fully understand it. Even as I type this, even as you (if you know Jesus Christ and have accepted his gospel for your own life), in you, resides God's spirit. Why do I need a career? What do I need it for? When I die I do not think I will mutter, "I wish I went to Harvard. I wish I went to Juilliard. I wish I did this thing, or wrote that book, performed this piece." I do not think it will matter at all. I would rather look back on my life and say, "I gave it all." Not some. Not everything by my career---everything but where I go to school, how I use my time. Everything I spend for God's kingdom will be worth it, far far more than I can see right now.
There cannot be any guilt in my life. I have, literally, Jesus interceding for me, my life for his.
I stole this illustration from Faithwalkers. Watch from 1:17 to 4:47.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPHvLtitxug
"I'd be a liar if I did not say...thank you, thank you."
–adjective,guilt·i·er, guilt·i·est.
1.
having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law; justly subject to a certain accusation or penalty; culpable: The jury found her guilty of murder.
2.
characterized by, connected with, or involving guilt: guilty intent.
3.
having or showing a sense of guilt, whether real or imagined: a guilty conscience.
I mean that lightly, first of all. This is just my second blog post this month, first of all, and it is already March 9th. New Year's resolution. I better get a move on.
Then again I do not want to write just anything. I want to write something people need to read (those who are actually reading this...). Actually, I've been learning a lot this year, and I have a few blog post topics I've noted places...all I need to do is to jot them down. It's mostly laziness than lack of material.
So now I shall write down another thing I have been dealing with: and that thing is actually guilt.
"Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:7-8
"Beyond all question, the mystery of godliness is great..." 1 Timothy 3:16a
"This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance (and for this we labor and strive), that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe." 1 Timothy 4:9-10
I feel as if I put too much stock on myself. What can I do? How can I do this? It doesn't work that way. It can't work that way. I really like these words to a song:
"I'd be a liar if I did not say, you crushed my life and ruined me that day..."
If I am going to follow Christ, I can't have my preferences. It doesn't work that way. I can't have my identity in what I want---why should I look to a career or a relationship, or success---when Christ has paid everything for me, when God's spirit lives in me? It's crazy, crazy unbelievable that a holy, perfect, beautiful God would make his home in me. Really. I wish I could fully understand it. Even as I type this, even as you (if you know Jesus Christ and have accepted his gospel for your own life), in you, resides God's spirit. Why do I need a career? What do I need it for? When I die I do not think I will mutter, "I wish I went to Harvard. I wish I went to Juilliard. I wish I did this thing, or wrote that book, performed this piece." I do not think it will matter at all. I would rather look back on my life and say, "I gave it all." Not some. Not everything by my career---everything but where I go to school, how I use my time. Everything I spend for God's kingdom will be worth it, far far more than I can see right now.
There cannot be any guilt in my life. I have, literally, Jesus interceding for me, my life for his.
I stole this illustration from Faithwalkers. Watch from 1:17 to 4:47.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPHvLtitxug
"I'd be a liar if I did not say...thank you, thank you."
Monday, March 1
A mess for Panera discussion (:
At the Panera Bread in Jordan Creek mall they have something called "Artists on the Rise." For everything almost, visual artist, musicians, writers---I am thinking about applying. As a writer. My theme would be grief and loss, and I would want to give a talk...here is a jumbled mess. I don't even know why I'm posting this! Give me feedback if you make anything from this. (:
Grief and Loss
Literature and Emotions
emotion: an intense feeling. (i.e. concentration of feeling)
feeling: experience.
Classifying loss:
The Christmas Tree (movie, 1969) http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1800047601/info
"After a Great Loss a Formal Feeling Comes" by Emily Dickinson
"Dream Songs" by John Berryman
"A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis
"The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien
occurs in the conclusive scene---the logical consequence of a reasoning process.
time duration in two senses: one, that time has been spent and attention or affection aimed at a subject cut off; and two, that the loss was inevitable or logical.
Manifestations of loss:
Change
Death
Parting
Questions ("Why" I moan and rave)
Peace: freedom from disturbing thoughts or emotions
Disturb: to interfere, i.e. to change.
Peace: to be disturbed, moved, and settle again.
Love: to see through its enchantments and yet be not disenchanted.
C.S. Lewis AGO: "A masterpice of rediscovered faith which has comforted thousands."
We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. (T.S. Eliot)
Eureka (I have found)
Let it go.
~~
As I said, just a mess now.
Grief and Loss
Literature and Emotions
emotion: an intense feeling. (i.e. concentration of feeling)
feeling: experience.
Classifying loss:
The Christmas Tree (movie, 1969) http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1800047601/info
"After a Great Loss a Formal Feeling Comes" by Emily Dickinson
"Dream Songs" by John Berryman
"A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis
"The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien
occurs in the conclusive scene---the logical consequence of a reasoning process.
time duration in two senses: one, that time has been spent and attention or affection aimed at a subject cut off; and two, that the loss was inevitable or logical.
Manifestations of loss:
Change
Death
Parting
Questions ("Why" I moan and rave)
Peace: freedom from disturbing thoughts or emotions
Disturb: to interfere, i.e. to change.
Peace: to be disturbed, moved, and settle again.
Love: to see through its enchantments and yet be not disenchanted.
C.S. Lewis AGO: "A masterpice of rediscovered faith which has comforted thousands."
We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. (T.S. Eliot)
Eureka (I have found)
Let it go.
~~
As I said, just a mess now.
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