This will begin like any other post composed after May 21st, 2011; the rapture has not occurred. Whether this came as a surprise to you, a disappointment, a relief; whether you mock or rejoice or bless or curse, it has not happened--God knows. (The book of Deuteronomy: "The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.”) I heard and read and listened to so many varying reactions. Some were insightful, some helpful, some hard-hitting reminders; some broke my heart and challenged my faith. One I can recall in particular, a facebook status, remarked something sarcastically to the extent that this person had been left out of a sort of Christian ‘in’ group, the ‘awesome’ group, and as I read it, there seemed to beat a raw spot of my own, a sharing of pain…
An image that has been haunting my mind, compelling to me, has been this: trying to run hard, so hard, the Christian life, not realizing that a bone is broken here; a muscle is pulled there; and I am dehydrated. I keep coming hard back and back again to my spiritual bankruptcy, the imperfection of my love and the love I can receive or desire from other people, the poverty, boringness, and pain the world offers. The hardest business is the business of people; all I give can be snatched away, and then I have no more; instead of giving all and then some, and knowing the Lord will supply. I am so disappointed in people; but I need to be, so I can really love.
This is what a wise man by the name of Oswald Chambers had to say:
“Our Lord [Jesus] trusted no man; yet He was never suspicious, never bitter, never in despair about any man, because He put God first in trust; He trusted absolutely in what God's grace could do for any man. If I put my trust in human beings first, I will end in despairing of everyone; I will become bitter, because I have insisted on man being what no man ever can be - absolutely right. Never trust anything but the grace of God in yourself or in anyone else.” (please check out the entire article here: http://www.myutmost.org/05/0531.html)
I can’t hold onto bitterness, refusing to forgive, riding down disappointment like a stairwell. Take another route.
***
Today my siblings were watching, on TV, Titanic. I caught pieces as I wandered in and out of the room; what I did see intrigued me, so much that I found a web resource, an excellent one (http://www.encyclopedia-titanica.org). It gave each person a name, a biography, and a listing of the most penetrating fact: what happened to them on that night, April 15th 1912? The movie evoked so much pain, anxiety, anger, helplessness, and, yet, a quiet peace--but it happened, and slowly the Titanic stooped into the water, as time ripened, the boats were loaded, panic ensued, and only a few were saved. I poured over that website; Owen Allum, Karen Abelseth, Wallace Hartley; names, some faces, listed with “died in the sinking” or “rescue boat A,” some bodies were not found, some were. Though all passengers are, by this year, dead, I read: that night, this person perished. And this person lived. The boat, slowly, inevitably overcome by water, would sink, and on that night, people died.
I was sad. Saying the least. The excursion to that website was a slight detour from my main task: the attempt to resuscitate my blog. I was dry of things, so much on my mind.
The Lord blows me away all the time.
Praying tonight, pondering and clutching a phrase I had heard today--“Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision is passing the time. Vision with action can change the world.”--I knew.
I am living on the Titanic.
Do I get that? Do I see how foolish it is to hang on, even to pick at different wounds instead of going to the Healer? As John Mark MacMillan said, “I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us; oh, how He loves us.”
Do I even see these people around me, making way to the inevitable? Unless. I can look at a screen and say, “I would give my right arm for this not to have happened,” but Jesus, He gave His life. This is God’s desire: that none should perish. None. Christians are not the awesome group, but the group of rejects coming to an awesome God.
And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction. When he saw the crowds he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest."
***
I remember my senior year, one night, after I heard about someone who had come to repentance, had come to acceptance of the gospel--the overwhelming conclusion, what I had surrendered to, was this: “Such a tiny offering, compared to Calvary; but, nevertheless, I lay it at Your feet.” (“All That is Within Me,” MercyMe)
My life, my words, my heart, my conviction; such a tiny offering. Nevertheless, I lay it at Your feet.
“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20.
***
A dear friend once shared a prayer someone had prayed for her, and it has become intensely my desire: I want to be with people who get it.
People who get real.
People who want God’s will to be done in their life--no excuses.
People who get that loving others is a privilege, not a burden.
More than that, though--I fall short so many times, and my attitude is, unfortunately, many times judgmental. Grace washes that clean. Thank You, God. I need to strive after those things, to flee sin and get it, get real, function on “Thy will be done,” and loves without bounds or qualifications.
I want to follow the Lord, and I want to see people responding to the call only God can make: “Will you follow me, forsaking all else?”
I do.
***
I had claimed these next few verses earlier as my summer.
1 Thessalonians 5
1Now concerning the times and the seasons, brothers, you have no need to have anything written to you. 2For you yourselves are fully aware that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. 3While people are saying, "There is peace and security," then sudden destruction will come upon them as labor pains come upon a pregnant woman, and they will not escape. 4But you are not in darkness, brothers, for that day to surprise you like a thief. 5For you are all children of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness. 6So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober. 7For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, are drunk at night. 8But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and for a helmet the hope of salvation. 9For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, 10 who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him. 11Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
These words are life.
“Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision is passing the time.
Vision with action can change the world.”
Be Thou my vision.
“But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 10For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.
11But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. 12 Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.” (1 Timothy 6:9-12)
But as for me, flee these things, and pursue the Lord.
As for me, I will follow Jesus.
Who is with me?
Showing posts with label jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jesus. Show all posts
Saturday, June 4
Tuesday, March 15
Faith. Nothing I have particularly figured out.
Sometimes I wish I knew who was reading this. Because, right now, I imagine sitting across from you, maybe at a coffee shop (right now I am at a booth at Starbucks) presenting you with My Utmost for His Highest, to March 15th, and saying, "Read this. And I will tell you a story."
But I am not actually where you are. Therefore I will merely recommend you find the March 15th passage of My Utmost and I will scrape out tidbits.*
This is how Chambers begins: "At the beginning we were sure we knew all about Jesus Christ, it was a delight to sell all and to fling ourselves out in a hardihood of love; but now we are not quite so sure. Jesus is on in front and He looks strange: 'Jesus went before them and they were amazed.'"
Oh, man, God. You know just how I feel. Just what dismayed me. Today, it seems, I was wrestling with that exact, exact thing. "It was a delight to sell all and to fling ourselves out." I seem to look back longingly through a tinted window into the way I had operated, completely out of zeal and love for the Lord, being aware of the Gospel. I did feel like I had it all firgured out, and now---hardly. Sometimes I am not sure if it is worth it---or what it is, exactly.
Chambers continues, "At first I was confident that I understood Him, but now I am not so sure. I begin to realize there is a distance between Jesus Christ and me; I can no longer be familiar with Him. He is ahead of me and He never turns round; I have no idea where He is going, and the goal has become strangely far off."
And just a minute ago I was reading Jason Gray's blog. Here is something he wrote:
“It’s an important idea to me, that – as G. K. Chesterton has said – our Christianity should look 'less like a theory and more like a love affair.' Sometimes I think we’re in danger of making our faith solely about intellectual assent to the facts of who Jesus was/is."
That is me. It is ironic how the more I try to fit God into a box (not necessarily learn more about him, but exactly to 'figure him out') I get frustrated. I do not understand. The more I try to rationalize things out, the more amazing it is. Now I do not believe it makes sense that God would, first, know me. After that, that he would love me. And then the strangest thing of all: that he would come down, become nothing, be despised by man, be hated, and suffer. (Isaiah 53, Hebrews 12:3) Jesus operated under human weakness. He preached the Beatitudes after pulling an all-nighter. (Luke 6:12) I take that for granted. So many ways I try to minimalize his love, when everything about Jesus shouts, "I love you in a way that is painful and foolish."
Chambers: "Jesus Christ had to fathom every sin and every sorrow man could experience, and that is what makes Him seem strange. When we see Him in this aspect we do not know Him, we do not recognize one feature of His life, and we do not know how to begin to follow Him. He is on in front, a Leader Who is very strange, and we have no comradeship with Him."
Gray: “I’ve wondered: We seem intent on protecting our hearts from God – knowing that to give him true, unlimited access to our hearts is to risk having our whole world turned upside down. Though Jesus is called 'The Prince Of Peace' we suspect that he is a disturber of the peace as well – at least of the false, half-hearted, varieties of peace we try to create for ourselves with relationships, job-security, money, etc. Instinctively we know that it’s a risky venture to get too tangled up with God…
“So do we intellectualize our faith in a subconscious attempt to keep God at a safer distance? It’s a thought worth reflecting on, I think…”
Keeping God at a distance. Do I realize how painful it is to see him suffer? I do. I do not think I realized it before, but it really is, because in my humanness it does not make sense. That is the danger, I have found. Faith is the answer to it: understand that is is beyond understanding. The closer I get to that kind of grace, the real kind of love that Christ displays on the cross---the more painful it is to my flesh, to my selfishness and desire to possess, to grasp everything, to make things manageable.
The other day I was at the library and happened upon A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God at their booksale. Twenty-five cents. Here is what he says in a chapter entitled "Apprehending God":
"Imagination projects unreal images out of the mind and seeks to attach reality to them. Faith creates nothing; it simply reckons upon that which is already there"
Chambers: "The discipline of dismay is essential in the life of discipleship. The danger is to get back to a little fire of our own and kindle enthusiasm at it (cf. Isaiah 1:10-11). When the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come that following of Jesus which is an unspeakable joy."
That is what I do: I try to create a little fire of my own, because I am just impatient. Do I need to understand? No. I know what Christ has been in my life in the past, I have received abundant, abundant blessings that come, undeniably, from the Lord. I have seen God enter through the reasoning and conversation of my own mind. Sometimes he completely breaks it, blows my mind.
So I know those things. God, you have proved to be everything your Word says you are.
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old receoved their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible...These all (men and women of faith) died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland..." (Hebrews 11)
I claim that. Hopefully this was helpful to you.
Hannah
*I will not tease you. Here is a link: http://www.myutmost.org/03/0315.html
But I am not actually where you are. Therefore I will merely recommend you find the March 15th passage of My Utmost and I will scrape out tidbits.*
This is how Chambers begins: "At the beginning we were sure we knew all about Jesus Christ, it was a delight to sell all and to fling ourselves out in a hardihood of love; but now we are not quite so sure. Jesus is on in front and He looks strange: 'Jesus went before them and they were amazed.'"
Oh, man, God. You know just how I feel. Just what dismayed me. Today, it seems, I was wrestling with that exact, exact thing. "It was a delight to sell all and to fling ourselves out." I seem to look back longingly through a tinted window into the way I had operated, completely out of zeal and love for the Lord, being aware of the Gospel. I did feel like I had it all firgured out, and now---hardly. Sometimes I am not sure if it is worth it---or what it is, exactly.
Chambers continues, "At first I was confident that I understood Him, but now I am not so sure. I begin to realize there is a distance between Jesus Christ and me; I can no longer be familiar with Him. He is ahead of me and He never turns round; I have no idea where He is going, and the goal has become strangely far off."
And just a minute ago I was reading Jason Gray's blog. Here is something he wrote:
“It’s an important idea to me, that – as G. K. Chesterton has said – our Christianity should look 'less like a theory and more like a love affair.' Sometimes I think we’re in danger of making our faith solely about intellectual assent to the facts of who Jesus was/is."
That is me. It is ironic how the more I try to fit God into a box (not necessarily learn more about him, but exactly to 'figure him out') I get frustrated. I do not understand. The more I try to rationalize things out, the more amazing it is. Now I do not believe it makes sense that God would, first, know me. After that, that he would love me. And then the strangest thing of all: that he would come down, become nothing, be despised by man, be hated, and suffer. (Isaiah 53, Hebrews 12:3) Jesus operated under human weakness. He preached the Beatitudes after pulling an all-nighter. (Luke 6:12) I take that for granted. So many ways I try to minimalize his love, when everything about Jesus shouts, "I love you in a way that is painful and foolish."
Chambers: "Jesus Christ had to fathom every sin and every sorrow man could experience, and that is what makes Him seem strange. When we see Him in this aspect we do not know Him, we do not recognize one feature of His life, and we do not know how to begin to follow Him. He is on in front, a Leader Who is very strange, and we have no comradeship with Him."
Gray: “I’ve wondered: We seem intent on protecting our hearts from God – knowing that to give him true, unlimited access to our hearts is to risk having our whole world turned upside down. Though Jesus is called 'The Prince Of Peace' we suspect that he is a disturber of the peace as well – at least of the false, half-hearted, varieties of peace we try to create for ourselves with relationships, job-security, money, etc. Instinctively we know that it’s a risky venture to get too tangled up with God…
“So do we intellectualize our faith in a subconscious attempt to keep God at a safer distance? It’s a thought worth reflecting on, I think…”
Keeping God at a distance. Do I realize how painful it is to see him suffer? I do. I do not think I realized it before, but it really is, because in my humanness it does not make sense. That is the danger, I have found. Faith is the answer to it: understand that is is beyond understanding. The closer I get to that kind of grace, the real kind of love that Christ displays on the cross---the more painful it is to my flesh, to my selfishness and desire to possess, to grasp everything, to make things manageable.
The other day I was at the library and happened upon A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God at their booksale. Twenty-five cents. Here is what he says in a chapter entitled "Apprehending God":
"Imagination projects unreal images out of the mind and seeks to attach reality to them. Faith creates nothing; it simply reckons upon that which is already there"
Chambers: "The discipline of dismay is essential in the life of discipleship. The danger is to get back to a little fire of our own and kindle enthusiasm at it (cf. Isaiah 1:10-11). When the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come that following of Jesus which is an unspeakable joy."
That is what I do: I try to create a little fire of my own, because I am just impatient. Do I need to understand? No. I know what Christ has been in my life in the past, I have received abundant, abundant blessings that come, undeniably, from the Lord. I have seen God enter through the reasoning and conversation of my own mind. Sometimes he completely breaks it, blows my mind.
So I know those things. God, you have proved to be everything your Word says you are.
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old receoved their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible...These all (men and women of faith) died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland..." (Hebrews 11)
I claim that. Hopefully this was helpful to you.
Hannah
*I will not tease you. Here is a link: http://www.myutmost.org/03/0315.html
Tuesday, October 12
have you ever thought of how often we trample each other?
And what do I mean by that? Do you remember last year, Christmas time, when a human stampede on black friday literally killed someone in a Wal-mart? That's what I mean, but I don't mean that every so often I can look back to my tracks and see a physically mutilated body. No. What I mean is that; do I care about people? And I don't mean soft care, or surface care, or just care what they think about me. If they think I care for them. I mean; do I CARE? Do you know what the Thesaurus says about caring?
CARING:
see SORROW
Related words:
strain, stress, tension. a burdened of disquieted state of mind.
anxiety, concern, concernment, disquiet, disquietude, unease, uneaseiness, worry.
Now, get these contrasted words:
CONTRASTED: calm, ease, comfort
Matthew 9:35-38
Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."
Luke 19:41-45
As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it and said, "If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes. The days will come upon you when your enemies will build an embankment against you and encircle you and hem you in on every side. They will dash you to the ground, you and the children within your walls. They will not leave one stone on another, because you did not recognize the time of God's coming to you."
Was Jesus ever compelled by...obligation? What? How could that even be? Jesus was broken, even literally, for us.
Why do I let myself be controlled by legalistic obligation?
When will I allow God to break me so much that I throw away my excuses and let compassion drive me, the way Jesus was driven?
I need to get tired and sick of my 'relgion game', of putting on a show and really get honest with people. I need to throw away any act I could shove down people's throats, and really ask, WHO is worth it? If God is real, then what does HE have to say? Who is He?
Do I see how God sees these people? Does my heart break with other people's hurts? Do I CARE? Am I so self-absorbed that I won't even let God's light shine and reveal what goes on in my mind?
Why do I not see apathy for what it is; literally stomping all over people, when will I HATE apathy towards God and people so much I can only cry out to God to change my heart and mind and eyes?
BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS. (Brooke Fraser)
Give me Your eyes to see everything I've been missing,
give me Your love for humanity,
give me Your eyes so I can see...
I've been here a thousand times...
I swear I never thought that I was wrong,
I want a second glance, give me a second chance,
to see the way You've seen the people all along.
TO SEE THE WAY YOU'VE SEEN THE PEOPLE ALL ALONG.
(Brandon Heath)
Apathetic: how do I see you?
What does it take this time?
Sitting, knees against
a hard wood table, foot slapped against
rough chair fabric.
Sometimes the width of empty rooms
the mass of silence between voices,
and sometimes the cup of my hand,
brings me
to this time,
look around, like scales falling from
my eyes.
Sometimes it is the pool in the cup of my hand.
What does it take this time?
Empty eyes.
The crumbling inside my rib cage---
Maybe I, weak-eyed,
saw weakness, a weakness I could never know.
Maybe I need to protect you
or desire to protect you, a small diamond
I must continually swallow.
because I know I can’t
be the constant. I can’t
anchor my soul, can’t anchor your soul,
cannot wrap you in a grip, pull your sleeves up,
So scars like embroidery---
What did it take?
Maybe if I saw you
from a bridge, a tall tower,
curly tree branches, hanging
on the very edge, maybe if God
will bash my silly wall encasing,
lift me from that strained
position, chained to a train track,
if He could scoop me in His own hand,
and I could be enamored by His view.
Nothing is hideous
there, but what I see
bursts me open, metamorphic,
like a thousand pieces of glass, blood
like tears, and what I see, the need
I see, the hearts like blue leaves in winter,
enslaved bodies, words like stones
huddled around, feeling each other, being scratched unaware,
blue faces and pretty jars slashed apart,
dark screaming
louder.
What did it take this time?
All the scenes I see are in black and white.
The sound drips away like sweat.
Only His light, a thousand golden showers.
Only His blood, red shooting across the sky.
Only His love, a purple robe.
Bursts you open, metamorphic.
Nightlights
(Jimmy Needham)
Be Thou exalted over my reputation, 'Cause applause is a poor form of soul medication.
And I've tried it for years, but my symptoms remain:
Still fretting the day that they'll misplace my name,
Still selling my soul for American fame.
Treating the promotion of Jesus like a well oiled machine,
Advancing His kingdom just to snag some acclaim. Now, I'm both comforted and haunted that it isn't just me though.
I see a nation of people needing to feed their own egos,
Parading status like steeples.
Do we not know it's evil to love ourselves more than both God and His people?
But see, here's where you turn this poem on it's head,
'Cause the greatest among us came as servant instead,
And You humbled Yourself to the point of Your death.
Apparently love for the Father's glory runs red.
So friends, will we point to the Son till our own flames grow dim?
Will our bright lights become merely night-lights near Him?
Words echo once, let them echo again:
Be Thou exalted over my reputation.
CARING:
see SORROW
Related words:
strain, stress, tension. a burdened of disquieted state of mind.
anxiety, concern, concernment, disquiet, disquietude, unease, uneaseiness, worry.
Now, get these contrasted words:
CONTRASTED: calm, ease, comfort
Matthew 9:35-38
Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."
Luke 19:41-45
As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it and said, "If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes. The days will come upon you when your enemies will build an embankment against you and encircle you and hem you in on every side. They will dash you to the ground, you and the children within your walls. They will not leave one stone on another, because you did not recognize the time of God's coming to you."
Was Jesus ever compelled by...obligation? What? How could that even be? Jesus was broken, even literally, for us.
Why do I let myself be controlled by legalistic obligation?
When will I allow God to break me so much that I throw away my excuses and let compassion drive me, the way Jesus was driven?
I need to get tired and sick of my 'relgion game', of putting on a show and really get honest with people. I need to throw away any act I could shove down people's throats, and really ask, WHO is worth it? If God is real, then what does HE have to say? Who is He?
Do I see how God sees these people? Does my heart break with other people's hurts? Do I CARE? Am I so self-absorbed that I won't even let God's light shine and reveal what goes on in my mind?
Why do I not see apathy for what it is; literally stomping all over people, when will I HATE apathy towards God and people so much I can only cry out to God to change my heart and mind and eyes?
BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS. (Brooke Fraser)
Give me Your eyes to see everything I've been missing,
give me Your love for humanity,
give me Your eyes so I can see...
I've been here a thousand times...
I swear I never thought that I was wrong,
I want a second glance, give me a second chance,
to see the way You've seen the people all along.
TO SEE THE WAY YOU'VE SEEN THE PEOPLE ALL ALONG.
(Brandon Heath)
Apathetic: how do I see you?
What does it take this time?
Sitting, knees against
a hard wood table, foot slapped against
rough chair fabric.
Sometimes the width of empty rooms
the mass of silence between voices,
and sometimes the cup of my hand,
brings me
to this time,
look around, like scales falling from
my eyes.
Sometimes it is the pool in the cup of my hand.
What does it take this time?
Empty eyes.
The crumbling inside my rib cage---
Maybe I, weak-eyed,
saw weakness, a weakness I could never know.
Maybe I need to protect you
or desire to protect you, a small diamond
I must continually swallow.
because I know I can’t
be the constant. I can’t
anchor my soul, can’t anchor your soul,
cannot wrap you in a grip, pull your sleeves up,
So scars like embroidery---
What did it take?
Maybe if I saw you
from a bridge, a tall tower,
curly tree branches, hanging
on the very edge, maybe if God
will bash my silly wall encasing,
lift me from that strained
position, chained to a train track,
if He could scoop me in His own hand,
and I could be enamored by His view.
Nothing is hideous
there, but what I see
bursts me open, metamorphic,
like a thousand pieces of glass, blood
like tears, and what I see, the need
I see, the hearts like blue leaves in winter,
enslaved bodies, words like stones
huddled around, feeling each other, being scratched unaware,
blue faces and pretty jars slashed apart,
dark screaming
louder.
What did it take this time?
All the scenes I see are in black and white.
The sound drips away like sweat.
Only His light, a thousand golden showers.
Only His blood, red shooting across the sky.
Only His love, a purple robe.
Bursts you open, metamorphic.
Nightlights
(Jimmy Needham)
Be Thou exalted over my reputation, 'Cause applause is a poor form of soul medication.
And I've tried it for years, but my symptoms remain:
Still fretting the day that they'll misplace my name,
Still selling my soul for American fame.
Treating the promotion of Jesus like a well oiled machine,
Advancing His kingdom just to snag some acclaim. Now, I'm both comforted and haunted that it isn't just me though.
I see a nation of people needing to feed their own egos,
Parading status like steeples.
Do we not know it's evil to love ourselves more than both God and His people?
But see, here's where you turn this poem on it's head,
'Cause the greatest among us came as servant instead,
And You humbled Yourself to the point of Your death.
Apparently love for the Father's glory runs red.
So friends, will we point to the Son till our own flames grow dim?
Will our bright lights become merely night-lights near Him?
Words echo once, let them echo again:
Be Thou exalted over my reputation.
Saturday, August 14
probably the last post i will post this summer?
I suppose it is about time for another blog post.
I am really unfaithful when it comes to updating this blog. I will have five posts within two days, and then nothing for a month.
Summer has blown past so quickly. I can't believe it is just a week until school starts. In many ways, I am beyond excited for the school year.
Why am I excited for the school year?
In most ways, there will be nothing very new about this school year; I am still going to the same college, taking the (some) of the same classes, just more of them now. I will live in the same house and commute like the years before, and take the bus system.
God has really, really been trying to tell me something this summer, and now I'm beginning to really hear it.
And that is this: I cannot love people on my own, with my own strength and own love.
I can't. I am not capable of it. Does that make sense? It used to make sense to me, but I don't think I really believed it. I still thought I could do it on my own, perhaps with gospel "aids" and trying to "include" imitating Jesus into it.
It has to be completely His, and none of mine.
Right now it makes sense to me, because I can't imagine loving someone truly. I'm really tired of trying on my own, too, because on my own I don't even have the desire to have compassion.
Psalm 18:34-40
"Whenever God slew them, they would seek him;
they eagerly turned to him again.
"They remembered that God was their Rock,
that God Most High was their Redeemer.
"But then they would flatter him with their mouths,
lying to him with their tongues;
"their hearts were not loyal to him,
they were not faithful to his covenant.
"Yet he was merciful;
he forgave their iniquities
and did not destroy them.
Time after time he restrained his anger
and did not stir up his full wrath.
"He remembered that they were but flesh,
a passing breeze that does not return.
"How often they rebelled against him in the desert
and grieved him in the wasteland!"
I read that yesterday, and I wondered: How many times have I merely flattered God with my lips and literally lied to Him with my tongue? Sometimes the problem isn't that I don't pray the "right things," but that I don't really mean them; or, if I can't seem to mean them, tell God I can't and ask Him to change me. I know that I really desire to become what God desires me to become---but I can't seem to allow Him.
What needs to be, according to these verses, is that my heart becomes steadfast. I thought about that for a bit. Really, to be fastened in its stead. My heart has a place in Christ (yes, that Christ bought it). It has a place and needs to remain there, to live there, to belong there; the more it dwells there, the more it will become like God and shine with God's character, like the definition of love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
For this semester, Hebrews 12 has definitely become my theme.
Hebrew 12:14-15
"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."
And before those verses, the writer of Hebrews states, "In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood." (4) How far will I go? Will I struggle with perserverence against the flesh, or will I give in too easily too many times? God will give me the power to fight, the same power He used to raise Christ from the dead. Will I not accept it? Wouldn't that promise spur me on? And God ALWAYS keeps His promises.
Psalm 77:13-14 "Your ways, oh God, are holy. What God is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles. You display Your power among the peoples."
This school year...what I desire for my life is that I let God reign in it, not me. That I use His resources, not my own. I am weary of using my own strength, and I just don't have it to myself to love someone sacrifically, to feel compassion or empathy. The junk in my heart needs to be boiled out until all I can see is Christ.
Reign in Us by Starfield
You thought of us before the world began to breathe
You knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we fall away from You
and how desperately we need to be redeemed
Lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for Your touch
Oh Great and Mighty One
with one desire we come
that You would reign that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that you would reign that You would reign in us
Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
come search our hearts and puify our lives
we need your perfect love we need your discipline
we're lost unless you guide us with your light
Lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for Your touch
Oh Great and Mighty One
with one desire we come
that You would reign that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that you would reign that you would reign in us
we cry out for Your life to revive us cry out
for Your love to define us cry out
for Your mercy to keep us
blameless until you return
oh Great and Mighty One
with one desire we come
that You would reign that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign that You would reign in us
So reign please reign in us
come purify our hearts
we need Your touch
come cleanse us like a flood
and set us out
so the world may know You reign You reign in us
I am really unfaithful when it comes to updating this blog. I will have five posts within two days, and then nothing for a month.
Summer has blown past so quickly. I can't believe it is just a week until school starts. In many ways, I am beyond excited for the school year.
Why am I excited for the school year?
In most ways, there will be nothing very new about this school year; I am still going to the same college, taking the (some) of the same classes, just more of them now. I will live in the same house and commute like the years before, and take the bus system.
God has really, really been trying to tell me something this summer, and now I'm beginning to really hear it.
And that is this: I cannot love people on my own, with my own strength and own love.
I can't. I am not capable of it. Does that make sense? It used to make sense to me, but I don't think I really believed it. I still thought I could do it on my own, perhaps with gospel "aids" and trying to "include" imitating Jesus into it.
It has to be completely His, and none of mine.
Right now it makes sense to me, because I can't imagine loving someone truly. I'm really tired of trying on my own, too, because on my own I don't even have the desire to have compassion.
Psalm 18:34-40
"Whenever God slew them, they would seek him;
they eagerly turned to him again.
"They remembered that God was their Rock,
that God Most High was their Redeemer.
"But then they would flatter him with their mouths,
lying to him with their tongues;
"their hearts were not loyal to him,
they were not faithful to his covenant.
"Yet he was merciful;
he forgave their iniquities
and did not destroy them.
Time after time he restrained his anger
and did not stir up his full wrath.
"He remembered that they were but flesh,
a passing breeze that does not return.
"How often they rebelled against him in the desert
and grieved him in the wasteland!"
I read that yesterday, and I wondered: How many times have I merely flattered God with my lips and literally lied to Him with my tongue? Sometimes the problem isn't that I don't pray the "right things," but that I don't really mean them; or, if I can't seem to mean them, tell God I can't and ask Him to change me. I know that I really desire to become what God desires me to become---but I can't seem to allow Him.
What needs to be, according to these verses, is that my heart becomes steadfast. I thought about that for a bit. Really, to be fastened in its stead. My heart has a place in Christ (yes, that Christ bought it). It has a place and needs to remain there, to live there, to belong there; the more it dwells there, the more it will become like God and shine with God's character, like the definition of love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
For this semester, Hebrews 12 has definitely become my theme.
Hebrew 12:14-15
"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."
And before those verses, the writer of Hebrews states, "In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood." (4) How far will I go? Will I struggle with perserverence against the flesh, or will I give in too easily too many times? God will give me the power to fight, the same power He used to raise Christ from the dead. Will I not accept it? Wouldn't that promise spur me on? And God ALWAYS keeps His promises.
Psalm 77:13-14 "Your ways, oh God, are holy. What God is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles. You display Your power among the peoples."
This school year...what I desire for my life is that I let God reign in it, not me. That I use His resources, not my own. I am weary of using my own strength, and I just don't have it to myself to love someone sacrifically, to feel compassion or empathy. The junk in my heart needs to be boiled out until all I can see is Christ.
Reign in Us by Starfield
You thought of us before the world began to breathe
You knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we fall away from You
and how desperately we need to be redeemed
Lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for Your touch
Oh Great and Mighty One
with one desire we come
that You would reign that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that you would reign that You would reign in us
Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
come search our hearts and puify our lives
we need your perfect love we need your discipline
we're lost unless you guide us with your light
Lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for Your touch
Oh Great and Mighty One
with one desire we come
that You would reign that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that you would reign that you would reign in us
we cry out for Your life to revive us cry out
for Your love to define us cry out
for Your mercy to keep us
blameless until you return
oh Great and Mighty One
with one desire we come
that You would reign that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign that You would reign in us
So reign please reign in us
come purify our hearts
we need Your touch
come cleanse us like a flood
and set us out
so the world may know You reign You reign in us
Tuesday, June 22
things, a bunch of things
I was thinking the other day about stories, specifically testimonies, about God and Jesus and how He's changed someone's life. I remember the first time I had to share my testimony, I mentioned to someone that I wasn't sure what exactly to include---and what to leave out. The reply was, "Put all of it!"
Perhaps it is just the geek in me that wants to say, "You cannot put all of it; storytelling in itself is limited to choices and limitations." But I must not get academic about it.
I recently discovered a quote from the singer Jason Gray, which goes as,
"I think the best thing that can happen to us is to be 'found out' for all that we are, our religious and human pretenses stripped away to reveal our sin, pettiness, and weakness. Then we can devote our energies to better endeavors than the constant masquerade of sufficiency. The added benefit is that people are able to see how God's grace works in a real person's life. When we come clean about our brokenness, Christ becomes the star of our testimony and not us."
What was meant by "Put all of it!" was not to censor for the sake of protecting my name or saving me embarrassment, or making me look like the hero. I really really love the Gray quote. Life really is all about Jesus.
When you grow up in a Christian household, when you've gone to church longer than you've gone to school, when you've learned the songs to memorize the books of the Bible before you knew all of your multiplication tables, if you got saved when you were young and not even aware of your own vulnerability to sin, only faintly understanding you are sinful---sharing your testimony can get pretty tricky. Not because it happened so very long ago. But because, at least I find this in my own life, I have to, in the present, remind and be reminded of the gospel and what that really means for my own life now. My testimony is continually happening.
When I wrote up my testimony for the first time, it was six pages long, single-spaced. I got saved in the second sentence.
I was reminded only recently of my way back past. I got saved when I was in 6th grade. I don't remember the date, but I remember the night and what led up to it. Before that, I had "said the prayer" and "walked down the aisle" at kid's church. I think I was six. I remember in sixth grade I didn't want to, didn't really know how, to tell someone my testimony because I thought I was quite old for just getting saved.
And I remember poems. I wrote them mostly when I was mad. I was always mad. But I also wrote them to somehow dissolve my anger. I feel like God use poetry to teach me things in a way that made sense to me.
This post is kind of all over the place. I will end with one of the earliest poems I wrote.
(note: I was really into the sonnet form then. This particular poem is not set in a consistent meter. Obviously it is a metaphor, and I'm sure you have heard this analogy before.)
Sonnet No. 3
Like a healthy ray of light You came in.
But You didn't just shine, no, You contended
to make the flowers grow, intended
to heal them when they were so thin.
I loved the sun. I loved to bask
in Strcngth exceeding the strongest strong.
But I thought You were wrong
when You made it rain. I rang my voice to ask
of Your move to send forth thunder, to
damp the brightest morning with the sending of the storm,
to drown the living, and to cool the friendly warm.
I cried out to sue, but God already knew,
"This is your trying, my child, your gain
for flowers can't grow without rain."
Perhaps it is just the geek in me that wants to say, "You cannot put all of it; storytelling in itself is limited to choices and limitations." But I must not get academic about it.
I recently discovered a quote from the singer Jason Gray, which goes as,
"I think the best thing that can happen to us is to be 'found out' for all that we are, our religious and human pretenses stripped away to reveal our sin, pettiness, and weakness. Then we can devote our energies to better endeavors than the constant masquerade of sufficiency. The added benefit is that people are able to see how God's grace works in a real person's life. When we come clean about our brokenness, Christ becomes the star of our testimony and not us."
What was meant by "Put all of it!" was not to censor for the sake of protecting my name or saving me embarrassment, or making me look like the hero. I really really love the Gray quote. Life really is all about Jesus.
When you grow up in a Christian household, when you've gone to church longer than you've gone to school, when you've learned the songs to memorize the books of the Bible before you knew all of your multiplication tables, if you got saved when you were young and not even aware of your own vulnerability to sin, only faintly understanding you are sinful---sharing your testimony can get pretty tricky. Not because it happened so very long ago. But because, at least I find this in my own life, I have to, in the present, remind and be reminded of the gospel and what that really means for my own life now. My testimony is continually happening.
When I wrote up my testimony for the first time, it was six pages long, single-spaced. I got saved in the second sentence.
I was reminded only recently of my way back past. I got saved when I was in 6th grade. I don't remember the date, but I remember the night and what led up to it. Before that, I had "said the prayer" and "walked down the aisle" at kid's church. I think I was six. I remember in sixth grade I didn't want to, didn't really know how, to tell someone my testimony because I thought I was quite old for just getting saved.
And I remember poems. I wrote them mostly when I was mad. I was always mad. But I also wrote them to somehow dissolve my anger. I feel like God use poetry to teach me things in a way that made sense to me.
This post is kind of all over the place. I will end with one of the earliest poems I wrote.
(note: I was really into the sonnet form then. This particular poem is not set in a consistent meter. Obviously it is a metaphor, and I'm sure you have heard this analogy before.)
Sonnet No. 3
Like a healthy ray of light You came in.
But You didn't just shine, no, You contended
to make the flowers grow, intended
to heal them when they were so thin.
I loved the sun. I loved to bask
in Strcngth exceeding the strongest strong.
But I thought You were wrong
when You made it rain. I rang my voice to ask
of Your move to send forth thunder, to
damp the brightest morning with the sending of the storm,
to drown the living, and to cool the friendly warm.
I cried out to sue, but God already knew,
"This is your trying, my child, your gain
for flowers can't grow without rain."
Saturday, February 13
something?
Main Entry: 1con·flict
Pronunciation: \ˈkän-ˌflikt\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin conflictus act of striking together, from confligere to strike together, from com- + fligere to strike — more at profligate
Date: 15th century
1 : fight, battle, war
2 a : competitive or opposing action of incompatibles : antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons) b : mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands
3 : the opposition of persons or forces that gives rise to the dramatic action in a drama or fiction
synonyms see discord
— con·flict·ful \ˈkän-ˌflikt-fəl\ adjective
— con·flic·tu·al \kän-ˈflik-chə-wəl, kən-, -chəl, -shwəl, -chü-əl\ adjective
I have been thinking about conflict. Rather, I've been feeling it. I must admit that I don't much like it. Just the feeling of being apart, of uneasiness, restlessness.
But why is this? This morning, I heard the song "You Found Me" by the Fray:
I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?" He said, "Ask anything."
Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
The early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I want
I am not sure about this song yet. It is very open and blunt. It gives no facade, I must give it that. It reminds me much of the psalms. But I wonder how many people are really searching for God, or truth.
Psalm 22
1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?
2 O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, and am not silent.
3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the praise of Israel. [a]
4 In you our fathers put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
5 They cried to you and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not disappointed.
6 But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by men and despised by the people.
7 All who see me mock me;
they hurl insults, shaking their heads:
8 "He trusts in the LORD;
let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
since he delights in him."
9 Yet you brought me out of the womb;
you made me trust in you
even at my mother's breast.
10 From birth I was cast upon you;
from my mother's womb you have been my God.
11 Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.
12 Many bulls surround me;
strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
13 Roaring lions tearing their prey
open their mouths wide against me.
14 I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
it has melted away within me.
15 My strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
you lay me [b] in the dust of death.
16 Dogs have surrounded me;
a band of evil men has encircled me,
they have pierced [c] my hands and my feet.
17 I can count all my bones;
people stare and gloat over me.
18 They divide my garments among them
and cast lots for my clothing.
19 But you, O LORD, be not far off;
O my Strength, come quickly to help me.
20 Deliver my life from the sword,
my precious life from the power of the dogs.
21 Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
save [d] me from the horns of the wild oxen.
22 I will declare your name to my brothers;
in the congregation I will praise you.
23 You who fear the LORD, praise him!
All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!
24 For he has not despised or disdained
the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
but has listened to his cry for help.
25 From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;
before those who fear you [e] will I fulfill my vows.
26 The poor will eat and be satisfied;
they who seek the LORD will praise him—
may your hearts live forever!
27 All the ends of the earth
will remember and turn to the LORD,
and all the families of the nations
will bow down before him,
28 for dominion belongs to the LORD
and he rules over the nations.
29 All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—
those who cannot keep themselves alive.
30 Posterity will serve him;
future generations will be told about the Lord.
31 They will proclaim his righteousness
to a people yet unborn—
for he has done it.
If I've learned something this year so far, it is this: I cannot trust myself. I am far too fleshly and weak and deceitful. I can't put my hope on an organization or a friend, a degree or a quote or song. I need the real thing, I need God, really. Not 'religion' or 'christianity.' I need Jesus.
this post is not centered on anything at all. give me time to sort.
Pronunciation: \ˈkän-ˌflikt\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin conflictus act of striking together, from confligere to strike together, from com- + fligere to strike — more at profligate
Date: 15th century
1 : fight, battle, war
2 a : competitive or opposing action of incompatibles : antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons) b : mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands
3 : the opposition of persons or forces that gives rise to the dramatic action in a drama or fiction
synonyms see discord
— con·flict·ful \ˈkän-ˌflikt-fəl\ adjective
— con·flic·tu·al \kän-ˈflik-chə-wəl, kən-, -chəl, -shwəl, -chü-əl\ adjective
I have been thinking about conflict. Rather, I've been feeling it. I must admit that I don't much like it. Just the feeling of being apart, of uneasiness, restlessness.
But why is this? This morning, I heard the song "You Found Me" by the Fray:
I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?" He said, "Ask anything."
Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
The early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I want
I am not sure about this song yet. It is very open and blunt. It gives no facade, I must give it that. It reminds me much of the psalms. But I wonder how many people are really searching for God, or truth.
Psalm 22
1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?
2 O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, and am not silent.
3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the praise of Israel. [a]
4 In you our fathers put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
5 They cried to you and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not disappointed.
6 But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by men and despised by the people.
7 All who see me mock me;
they hurl insults, shaking their heads:
8 "He trusts in the LORD;
let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
since he delights in him."
9 Yet you brought me out of the womb;
you made me trust in you
even at my mother's breast.
10 From birth I was cast upon you;
from my mother's womb you have been my God.
11 Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.
12 Many bulls surround me;
strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
13 Roaring lions tearing their prey
open their mouths wide against me.
14 I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
it has melted away within me.
15 My strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
you lay me [b] in the dust of death.
16 Dogs have surrounded me;
a band of evil men has encircled me,
they have pierced [c] my hands and my feet.
17 I can count all my bones;
people stare and gloat over me.
18 They divide my garments among them
and cast lots for my clothing.
19 But you, O LORD, be not far off;
O my Strength, come quickly to help me.
20 Deliver my life from the sword,
my precious life from the power of the dogs.
21 Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
save [d] me from the horns of the wild oxen.
22 I will declare your name to my brothers;
in the congregation I will praise you.
23 You who fear the LORD, praise him!
All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!
24 For he has not despised or disdained
the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
but has listened to his cry for help.
25 From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;
before those who fear you [e] will I fulfill my vows.
26 The poor will eat and be satisfied;
they who seek the LORD will praise him—
may your hearts live forever!
27 All the ends of the earth
will remember and turn to the LORD,
and all the families of the nations
will bow down before him,
28 for dominion belongs to the LORD
and he rules over the nations.
29 All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—
those who cannot keep themselves alive.
30 Posterity will serve him;
future generations will be told about the Lord.
31 They will proclaim his righteousness
to a people yet unborn—
for he has done it.
If I've learned something this year so far, it is this: I cannot trust myself. I am far too fleshly and weak and deceitful. I can't put my hope on an organization or a friend, a degree or a quote or song. I need the real thing, I need God, really. Not 'religion' or 'christianity.' I need Jesus.
this post is not centered on anything at all. give me time to sort.
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