another post about the rapture...

This will begin like any other post composed after May 21st, 2011; the rapture has not occurred. Whether this came as a surprise to you, a disappointment, a relief; whether you mock or rejoice or bless or curse, it has not happened--God knows. (The book of Deuteronomy: "The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.”) I heard and read and listened to so many varying reactions. Some were insightful, some helpful, some hard-hitting reminders; some broke my heart and challenged my faith. One I can recall in particular, a facebook status, remarked something sarcastically to the extent that this person had been left out of a sort of Christian ‘in’ group, the ‘awesome’ group, and as I read it, there seemed to beat a raw spot of my own, a sharing of pain…

An image that has been haunting my mind, compelling to me, has been this: trying to run hard, so hard, the Christian life, not realizing that a bone is broken here; a muscle is pulled there; and I am dehydrated. I keep coming hard back and back again to my spiritual bankruptcy, the imperfection of my love and the love I can receive or desire from other people, the poverty, boringness, and pain the world offers. The hardest business is the business of people; all I give can be snatched away, and then I have no more; instead of giving all and then some, and knowing the Lord will supply. I am so disappointed in people; but I need to be, so I can really love.

This is what a wise man by the name of Oswald Chambers had to say:

“Our Lord [Jesus] trusted no man; yet He was never suspicious, never bitter, never in despair about any man, because He put God first in trust; He trusted absolutely in what God's grace could do for any man. If I put my trust in human beings first, I will end in despairing of everyone; I will become bitter, because I have insisted on man being what no man ever can be - absolutely right. Never trust anything but the grace of God in yourself or in anyone else.” (please check out the entire article here: http://www.myutmost.org/05/0531.html)

I can’t hold onto bitterness, refusing to forgive, riding down disappointment like a stairwell. Take another route.

***

Today my siblings were watching, on TV, Titanic. I caught pieces as I wandered in and out of the room; what I did see intrigued me, so much that I found a web resource, an excellent one (http://www.encyclopedia-titanica.org). It gave each person a name, a biography, and a listing of the most penetrating fact: what happened to them on that night, April 15th 1912? The movie evoked so much pain, anxiety, anger, helplessness, and, yet, a quiet peace--but it happened, and slowly the Titanic stooped into the water, as time ripened, the boats were loaded, panic ensued, and only a few were saved. I poured over that website; Owen Allum, Karen Abelseth, Wallace Hartley; names, some faces, listed with “died in the sinking” or “rescue boat A,” some bodies were not found, some were. Though all passengers are, by this year, dead, I read: that night, this person perished. And this person lived. The boat, slowly, inevitably overcome by water, would sink, and on that night, people died.

I was sad. Saying the least. The excursion to that website was a slight detour from my main task: the attempt to resuscitate my blog. I was dry of things, so much on my mind.

The Lord blows me away all the time.
Praying tonight, pondering and clutching a phrase I had heard today--“Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision is passing the time. Vision with action can change the world.”--I knew.

I am living on the Titanic.

Do I get that? Do I see how foolish it is to hang on, even to pick at different wounds instead of going to the Healer? As John Mark MacMillan said, “I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us; oh, how He loves us.”

Do I even see these people around me, making way to the inevitable? Unless. I can look at a screen and say, “I would give my right arm for this not to have happened,” but Jesus, He gave His life. This is God’s desire: that none should perish. None. Christians are not the awesome group, but the group of rejects coming to an awesome God.

And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction. When he saw the crowds he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest."

***

I remember my senior year, one night, after I heard about someone who had come to repentance, had come to acceptance of the gospel--the overwhelming conclusion, what I had surrendered to, was this: “Such a tiny offering, compared to Calvary; but, nevertheless, I lay it at Your feet.” (“All That is Within Me,” MercyMe)

My life, my words, my heart, my conviction; such a tiny offering. Nevertheless, I lay it at Your feet.

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20.

***

A dear friend once shared a prayer someone had prayed for her, and it has become intensely my desire: I want to be with people who get it.

People who get real.

People who want God’s will to be done in their life--no excuses.

People who get that loving others is a privilege, not a burden.

More than that, though--I fall short so many times, and my attitude is, unfortunately, many times judgmental. Grace washes that clean. Thank You, God. I need to strive after those things, to flee sin and get it, get real, function on “Thy will be done,” and loves without bounds or qualifications.

I want to follow the Lord, and I want to see people responding to the call only God can make: “Will you follow me, forsaking all else?”

I do.

***

I had claimed these next few verses earlier as my summer.

1 Thessalonians 5
1Now concerning the times and the seasons, brothers, you have no need to have anything written to you. 2For you yourselves are fully aware that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. 3While people are saying, "There is peace and security," then sudden destruction will come upon them as labor pains come upon a pregnant woman, and they will not escape. 4But you are not in darkness, brothers, for that day to surprise you like a thief. 5For you are all children of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness. 6So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober. 7For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, are drunk at night. 8But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and for a helmet the hope of salvation. 9For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, 10 who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him. 11Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
These words are life.

“Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision is passing the time.
Vision with action can change the world.”

Be Thou my vision.

“But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 10For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.
11But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. 12 Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.” (1 Timothy 6:9-12)

But as for me, flee these things, and pursue the Lord.

As for me, I will follow Jesus.

Who is with me?

Faith. Nothing I have particularly figured out.

Sometimes I wish I knew who was reading this. Because, right now, I imagine sitting across from you, maybe at a coffee shop (right now I am at a booth at Starbucks) presenting you with My Utmost for His Highest, to March 15th, and saying, "Read this. And I will tell you a story."

But I am not actually where you are. Therefore I will merely recommend you find the March 15th passage of My Utmost and I will scrape out tidbits.*

This is how Chambers begins: "At the beginning we were sure we knew all about Jesus Christ, it was a delight to sell all and to fling ourselves out in a hardihood of love; but now we are not quite so sure. Jesus is on in front and He looks strange: 'Jesus went before them and they were amazed.'"

Oh, man, God. You know just how I feel. Just what dismayed me. Today, it seems, I was wrestling with that exact, exact thing. "It was a delight to sell all and to fling ourselves out." I seem to look back longingly through a tinted window into the way I had operated, completely out of zeal and love for the Lord, being aware of the Gospel. I did feel like I had it all firgured out, and now---hardly. Sometimes I am not sure if it is worth it---or what it is, exactly.

Chambers continues, "At first I was confident that I understood Him, but now I am not so sure. I begin to realize there is a distance between Jesus Christ and me; I can no longer be familiar with Him. He is ahead of me and He never turns round; I have no idea where He is going, and the goal has become strangely far off."

And just a minute ago I was reading Jason Gray's blog. Here is something he wrote:

“It’s an important idea to me, that – as G. K. Chesterton has said – our Christianity should look 'less like a theory and more like a love affair.' Sometimes I think we’re in danger of making our faith solely about intellectual assent to the facts of who Jesus was/is."

That is me. It is ironic how the more I try to fit God into a box (not necessarily learn more about him, but exactly to 'figure him out') I get frustrated. I do not understand. The more I try to rationalize things out, the more amazing it is. Now I do not believe it makes sense that God would, first, know me. After that, that he would love me. And then the strangest thing of all: that he would come down, become nothing, be despised by man, be hated, and suffer. (Isaiah 53, Hebrews 12:3) Jesus operated under human weakness. He preached the Beatitudes after pulling an all-nighter. (Luke 6:12) I take that for granted. So many ways I try to minimalize his love, when everything about Jesus shouts, "I love you in a way that is painful and foolish."

Chambers: "Jesus Christ had to fathom every sin and every sorrow man could experience, and that is what makes Him seem strange. When we see Him in this aspect we do not know Him, we do not recognize one feature of His life, and we do not know how to begin to follow Him. He is on in front, a Leader Who is very strange, and we have no comradeship with Him."

Gray: “I’ve wondered: We seem intent on protecting our hearts from God – knowing that to give him true, unlimited access to our hearts is to risk having our whole world turned upside down. Though Jesus is called 'The Prince Of Peace' we suspect that he is a disturber of the peace as well – at least of the false, half-hearted, varieties of peace we try to create for ourselves with relationships, job-security, money, etc. Instinctively we know that it’s a risky venture to get too tangled up with God…
“So do we intellectualize our faith in a subconscious attempt to keep God at a safer distance? It’s a thought worth reflecting on, I think…”

Keeping God at a distance. Do I realize how painful it is to see him suffer? I do. I do not think I realized it before, but it really is, because in my humanness it does not make sense. That is the danger, I have found. Faith is the answer to it: understand that is is beyond understanding. The closer I get to that kind of grace, the real kind of love that Christ displays on the cross---the more painful it is to my flesh, to my selfishness and desire to possess, to grasp everything, to make things manageable.

The other day I was at the library and happened upon A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God at their booksale. Twenty-five cents. Here is what he says in a chapter entitled "Apprehending God":

"Imagination projects unreal images out of the mind and seeks to attach reality to them. Faith creates nothing; it simply reckons upon that which is already there"

Chambers: "The discipline of dismay is essential in the life of discipleship. The danger is to get back to a little fire of our own and kindle enthusiasm at it (cf. Isaiah 1:10-11). When the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come that following of Jesus which is an unspeakable joy."

That is what I do: I try to create a little fire of my own, because I am just impatient. Do I need to understand? No. I know what Christ has been in my life in the past, I have received abundant, abundant blessings that come, undeniably, from the Lord. I have seen God enter through the reasoning and conversation of my own mind. Sometimes he completely breaks it, blows my mind.
So I know those things. God, you have proved to be everything your Word says you are.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old receoved their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible...These all (men and women of faith) died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland..." (Hebrews 11)

I claim that. Hopefully this was helpful to you.

Hannah

*I will not tease you. Here is a link: http://www.myutmost.org/03/0315.html

whoa---

--I am blogging.

I have not blogged in a while. I have journaled and rambled and spoken. But not anything like this, crafting a paragraph so people I do not know (or do know) can read.
I feel like the last blog post was a universe away. In some ways it was a universe away. It is a new semester. I know different people, am known by different people. I am different. The way I see is constantly (by God's grace, literally) being seared.
But in some ways it is not. This is stil God's universe.
Actually, I just crept back at the lat post I made. This sentence was in bold:

I keep slipping back into grace, after slipping out of it.
Why do I do that? I want to carry this burden of award. I there is one thing I can testfy to, it is that it is better to be loved rather than 'appreciated.' And another thing: no responsibility means no repentance, and repentance gives us hands to accept grace.

Blesed is he whoe transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whos sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit there is no deceit. Psalm 32:1, 2

FORGIVEN.

Main Entry:for*give
Pronunciation:f*r-*giv
Function:verb
Inflected Form:-gave \-*g*v\ ; -giv*en \-*gi-v*n\ ; -giv*ing

1 : to give up resentment of
2 : PARDON : ABSOLVE
3 : to grant relief from payment of
–for*giv*able adjective
–for*give*ness noun

Give up, pardon, absolve, dissolve, relieve.

I am reading a short essay called "A Short History of Happiness." I want to blog about it, sometime.

That is all I have. God is so good. Read Psalm 32 all the way through.

Psalm 32
Of David. A maskil.[a]
1 Blessed is the one
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed is the one
whose sin the LORD does not count against them
and in whose spirit is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.[b]

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.

6 Therefore let all the faithful pray to you
while you may be found;
surely the rising of the mighty waters
will not reach them.
7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD’s unfailing love
surrounds the one who trusts in him.

11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!

Another thing I can testify to: This is battle. This life will always be a battle, so we need to fight. But we are victors.

"Moses answered the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.'"

Before God I lay down my defenses. He will deliver me.
Deliverance, relief, salvation, grace, grace, grace.

Thank you, my God.


Where my eyes open.

Silent seas curving purple
and shadow of Your hand.

I see finally

silver between breaks
of Your skin. Your breath minting words
into forms. Your breath against

the space between my rib cage and where
my heart beats
newly warm.

Born in Your breath.

Can it be all I hear?
Risen

Your fingers scent---

God, today I heard the sun rise

and all I could know was,
“Your love for me

is more wonderful.”
Than the love of men. And the love

of my lovers that do not love.

Claim me in that silence,
a world, enamored,

creation in transport held by

Your breath.

Can it be all I hear?
Risen,
Your breath
my song,

Your hand
the only place I know.

Unknown in every eye but Your own.

pour out your hearts to him

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
He is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to him,
For God is our refuge.” Psalm 62...

Again the LORD spoke to Ahaz, “Ask the LORD your God for a sign, whether in the deepest depths or in the highest heights.”
But Ahaz said, “I will not ask; I will not put the LORD to the test.”
Then Isaiah said, “Hear now, you house of David! Is it not enough to try the patience of men? Will you try the patience of my God also? Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: the virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel…”

When men tell you to consult mediums and spiritists, who whisper and mutter, should not a people inquire of their God? Why consult the dead on behalf of the living? To the law and to the testimony! If they do not speak according to this word, they have no light of dawn. Distressed and hungry, they will roam through the land; when they are famished, they will become enraged and, looking upward, will curse their king and their God. Then they will look toward the earth and see only distress and darkness and fearful gloom, and they will be thrust into utter darkness.

Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the Gentiles, by the way of the sea, along the Jordan--
The people walking in darkness
Have seen a great light;
On those living in the land of the shadow of death
A light has dawned.
You have enlarged the nation
And increased their joy;
They rejoice before you
As people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice
When diving the plunder.
For as in the day of Midian’s defeat,
You have shattered
The yoke that burdens then, the bar across their shoulders,
The rode of the oppressor.
Every warriors boot used in battle
And every garment rolled in blood
Will be destined for burning,
Will be fuel fr the fire.
For to us a child is born,
To us a son is given,
And the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Pease.
Of the increase of his government and peace
There will be no end.
He will reign on David’s throne
And over his kingdom,
Establishing and upholding it
With justice and righteousness
From that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty
Will accomplish this.

I have been listening to the song “Beautiful Grace” by We are Creation.

Oh, Lord, You are my Lord, You are
my strength when I am weak, and you come
to me and you lift me up,
Until I find my place, I find my place
in You. Will You go
and make a place
where I can fall on my face and lay
my arms before Your beautiful grace?
And all the world holds dear will be stripped away
by Your beautiful grace.

A few nights ago I prayed---
Father, I guess I have been thinking a lot about words, since I heard “surrender my own voice to take on Your’s.” My God, that seems so vital. Why? Lord, I have been feeling very incompetent. LORD, may I feel like that? And just find my strength in You? I feel like I need to figure out how to do that. I keep coming closer and closer to a realization, like inching towards a cliff---God, why won’t I give up and stop wrestling with You and look at Your face? It is too humbling for me. Let me look down that cliff, let me be shocked back into existence, in a sort of sobriety. Let me claim these words:
“The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:7-8
And now----love covers over a multitude of sins---Jesus, why don’t I believe that Your love does that?

I keep slipping back into grace, after slipping out of it.

Thought: what does pouring require?

“He (Peter) claimed that, though all others might fall away, he never would. One of the most disastrous things that could have befallen Christianity is if Peter had kept that promise. In that case, the key figure of the early church would have continued to operate under the faulty proposition that radical commitment is the key to the Christian life. It is not. Radical grace is.” Rick James.

Merry Christmas to you all.

*Passages found in the book of Isaiah

Blessed.

Blessed.

Bless: Old English, from 'blood,' from the use
of blood in consecration. Consecrate:
to induct into an office; to make or declare
sacred; to devote solemnly to a purpose.

Bless: praise, glorify; to confer happiness
upon; to sanctify. Sanctify: to make holy,
consecrate; to free from sin.

Bless:
holy,
beautified,
delightful.
Delight: great pleasure or satisfaction. Joy.

Read Psalm 119 with these definitions.
Thanks to Merriam-Webster dictionary for definitions.

Psalm 119

1 Blessed are those whose ways are blameless,
who walk according to the law of the LORD.
2 Blessed are those who keep his statutes
and seek him with all their heart—
3 they do no wrong
but follow his ways.
4 You have laid down precepts
that are to be fully obeyed.
5 Oh, that my ways were steadfast
in obeying your decrees!
6 Then I would not be put to shame
when I consider all your commands.
7 I will praise you with an upright heart
as I learn your righteous laws.
8 I will obey your decrees;
do not utterly forsake me.
...

I require God's grace. I really do.

Your grace is required.

Main Entry:re*quire
Pronunciation:ri-*kw*r
Function:verb
Inflected Form:re*quired ; re*quir*ing

1 : to demand as necessary or essential
2 : COMMAND : ORDER

Your grace is necessary.

Main Entry:1nec*es*sary
Pronunciation:*ne-s*-*ser-*
Function:noun
Inflected Form:plural -saries

: an indispensable item

Your grace is indispensable.

Main Entry:in*dis*pens*able
Pronunciation:*in-di-*spen-s*-b*l
Function:adjective

: absolutely essential : REQUISITE
–in*dis*pens*abil*i*ty \-*spen-s*-*bi-l*-t*\ noun
–indispensable noun
–in*dis*pens*ably \-*spen-s*-bl*\ adverb

I require God’s grace. There is no way around it.

I feel like this is something I probably learned in Sunday School. Something I took for granted. I perhaps scoffed at its simplicity, and the notion of God’s grace and how my works do not equal my salvation because my works are not good enough. Jesus is my righteousness, Jesus’ sacrifice my payment, and by putting my faith in Him my sins, my works, are washed clean, and God considers me holy and righteous.*

Of course, simple does not mean easy. It is funny how God will frustrate me sometimes and it is only by digging and going back to something I thought I had ‘figured out’ that I can have peace about something.

I require God’s grace. Because of Jesus, all God offers me is (in essence) Grace. It is something I have not deserved, can never deserve. Everything should cause me to praise Him.

And I require God’s grace.

“You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified. I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing---if it really was for nothing? Does God give you His Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law or because you believe what you heard?” Galatians 3:1-4.

Sometimes I think the ‘Christian life,’ in my mind looks like this: God gives me some vague rules (called the Bible) I do the best I can, and then I report back to God. That is foolish. That is exhausting. That is slavery. That is not God at all. Does God give us His Spirit and work miracles among us because we observe the law or because we believe what we have heard? Exactly that. Rather, who can do these good deeds, these good works?

Again, another familiar passage that became too worn in my mind, but God brings back with vitality and newness:

“To keep me from being conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

This passage with exactness describes something God had shown me recently. I am, I confess, a perfectionist. I am so critical of my life, down to every detail. That obsession and control translated into my relationship with God like this: If I couldn’t change myself (I can’t!) then God needed to change this area (for example, pride or lust) right now. When I say so. Just take it away.
What I began to realize is that God wants me where I am at. Wherever I am at. God loved me in my sin, and even now God puts trials in my life, allows me to be in that sort of personal-discontentment because a) it is not about me, and b) my hope is in Christ. God may leave me in a situation, but He doesn’t leave me. Even now, surveying back on my life, my weakest points, my point of evident selfishness and sin and rebellion---God has used those things. So much. I reference them constantly when I am in conversation with another person. If I had not been so deep in sin, if in those moments when I could have chosen to “do” the right thing---I can’t configure an alternative present. But I know in all things God has been glorified, and His faithfulness and His intense love for me so pronounced.

Your grace is sufficient.

Main Entry:suf*fi*cient
Pronunciation:s*-*fi-sh*nt
Function:adjective

: adequate to accomplish a purpose or meet a need
–suf*fi*cient*ly adverb

Another passage that was well-worn to my ears:

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

In context:

“I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:10-13

I believe that verse thirteen is not saying that I can do everything through Christ, but that everything I do can be done through Christ. Does that make sense? Not that by claiming Christ I will have the ability to do EVERYTHING. But that, by claiming Christ, everything that I do can be done through Christ. He will provide strength. He will provide the words to speak (check out 1 Corinthians 2:1-5). He will change us, will sanctify us. I feel like I’ve mentioned this before, but I used to approach the Bible as a self-help book. I would take a passage and ram it down my own throat, or take it apart and fit it into my life somehow, everything on my own strength. I can tell you this: that only produces guilt and frustration. The Bible is not a self-help book anymore than the gospel is a self-help ideology. And it is not. It is anti-self help. More and more I am convinced that Jesus needs to be the Lord of my life, to have say, to destroy and rebuild. If Jesus is Lord I am not. I cannot be. Obviously I need to cooperate with God, I need to obey. But it doesn’t start there.

Lawrence O. Richards has an illuminated understanding of the Bible:

“God didn’t share his Word with us simply to give us information. He didn’t even reveal his thoughts so we could believe correctly. God gave us his Word to being us into a transforming relationship with him….The Bible is a relational book.” (“Complete Bible Handbook”)

One last thought which requires the mentionings of two passages. If you are reading these words now, read through ALL of the rest of this post.

“If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For CHRIST’S LOVE compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died.” II Corinthians 5:13-14

“The word of the LORD came to me: “Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Woe to you shepherds of Israel who only take care of yourselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals. My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them.
“‘Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, because my flock lacks a shepherd and so has been plundered and has become food for all the wild animals, and because my shepherds did not search for my flock but cared for themselves rather than for my flock, therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for my flock. I will remove them from tending the flock so that the shepherds can no longer feed themselves. I will rescue my flock from their mouths, and it will no longer be food for them.
“‘For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land. I will pasture them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines and in all the settlements in the land. I will tend them in a good pasture, and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land. There they will lie down in good grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign LORD. I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.
“‘As for you, my flock, this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I will judge between one sheep and another, and between rams and goats. Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture? Must you also trample the rest of your pasture with your feet? Is it not enough for you to drink clear water? Must you also muddy the rest with your feet? Must my flock feed on what you have trampled and drink what you have muddied with your feet?
“‘Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says to them: See, I myself will judge between the fat sheep and the lean sheep. Because you shove with flank and shoulder, butting all the weak sheep with your horns until you have driven them away, I will save my flock, and they will no longer be plundered. I will judge between one sheep and another. I will place over them one shepherd, my servant David, and he will tend them; he will tend them and be their shepherd. I the LORD will be their God, and my servant David will be prince among them. I the LORD have spoken.
“‘I will make a covenant of peace with them and rid the land of savage beasts so that they may live in the wilderness and sleep in the forests in safety. I will make them and the places surrounding my hill a blessing. I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing. The trees will yield their fruit and the ground will yield its crops; the people will be secure in their land. They will know that I am the LORD, when I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands of those who enslaved them. They will no longer be plundered by the nations, nor will wild animals devour them. They will live in safety, and no one will make them afraid. I will provide for them a land renowned for its crops, and they will no longer be victims of famine in the land or bear the scorn of the nations. Then they will know that I, the LORD their God, am with them and that they, the Israelites, are my people, declares the Sovereign LORD. You are my sheep, the sheep of my pasture, and I am your God, declares the Sovereign LORD.’”
Ezekiel 34

Do I not realize that it is not my goodness that compels me to do good works? To share the gospel? Do I realize how much God loves people, how it WILL be Himself who heals the wounds, binds up the hurts, so will give joy and salvation? It is all in God’s plan. God loves people. Christ loves people, and it is that intense love that must be seen and take effect in my life to reach lost people. I must let Jesus be Lord in my life. God’s motivation is love.
It is not my goodness, or even how God has been changing my heart that changes people, that comforts people, that listens to people, but it is God who intentionally reaches out to the lost and loves them so intensely, infinitely more than I could ever, that reaches these people. It is not my goodness. God loves the lost, Jesus offered everything and gave up everything for us. I have absolutely nothing to offer God; I do not have anything to offer ANYONE.
What could I offer that would be of benefit to anyone? Will it be my words? My attitude? My compassion? It all just seems so worthless against the great, gaping need each of us has for a whole relationship with our God. I can ONLY offer them Jesus. Of course, that does not mean, for example, that I only talk to them about the Bible or something. It just means that my every interaction with them hangs on this rope, this realization and invitation for God to really take over. Give me an ear to listen, words of wisdom, and whatever comes out, whatever God does with it, all praise to Him. There is intense peace with that. All I can do is to continually plead for them to God in prayer. I am not at all perfect in this, but it’s something that God’s put on my mind for the past few months.

I require God’s grace.

The next time someone asks me who my favorite Bible character is (I don’t remember the last time someone asked me) I am going to answer, “David.” Because I’ve been reading a bit on this guy, and this guy’s attitude and mind and heart just astounds me.

His response to God’s goodness in his life is amazing. It is the heart of a worshipper.
If you have never done so, read through 2 Samuel sometime. It will blow you away if you really read it.

I wish I could go on and on about why I pick David. I won’t. Maybe on another post. Let me mention the David’s responses:

“Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said: ‘Who am I, O Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, O Sovereign LORD, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servants. Is this your usual way of dealing with man, O Sovereign LORD? What more can David say to you? For you know your servant, O Sovereign LORD. For the sake of your word and according to your will, you have done this great thing and made it known to your servant. How great you are, O Sovereign LORD! There is no one like you, and there is no God but you, as we have heard with our own ears. And who is like your people Israel…” 2 Samuel 7:18 and on.

“But who am I, and who are my people that we should be able to give as generously as this? Everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your hand. We are aliens and strangers in your sight, as were all our forefathers. Our days on earth are like a shadow, without hope. O LORD our God, as for all this abundance that we have provided for building you a temple for your Holy Name, it comes from your hand, and all of it belongs to you. I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity. All these things have I given willingly and with honest intent. And now I have seen with joy how willingly your people who are here have given to you. O LORD, God of our fathers Abraham, Isaac and Israel, keep this desire in the hearts of your people forever, and keep their hearts loyal to you…” 2 Chronicles 29:14 and on.

God changes our hearts and lives. We don’t deserve it. It is awesome. God’s grace: required.

I require God’s grace. I really do.

God is so good.

Psalm 73

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, was sensles and igorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

Letters

I remember giving letters to that dead feeling.
What longer made sense? Because all the fancy names
I thought to give parted to find
nothing behind the curtain.

If there were a box, if that box was me,
empty it. I want to empty it,
the contents spilling like fire crackers into a sea.

No one needs to know me--must I be known?
More else, sometimes I think I don’t
want to be known; or I want to be known
for not being known.

Once there was a birth, and that was myself.
The product of a moment of intense desire, like everyone else.
But with a reason. Right, isn’t that why am I here, Lord?
I want to cut off those entangling cords that tell me,
“Better find a tight space to fit in.”
Can you give me,--to be unknown
in every eye but Your own--that intense desire?
Can I belong in You?

If there is a box, I would empty it out.
I would write prayers and secrets, scratch a paper
with my hurts and then seal the box.

But then? I don’t know. I don’t think
I would want it to sink into the sea.
Would it sink, even?

Or would it fly across the water, toward the sun,
because where do those prayers go?

What would it look like, those tight pages of

jealousy and insecurity,
frustration, hater,
stomping on people,
disguising sin.

Rage.
To look at You silently, in the midst of that rage---when all I want to know
was, ‘Is that You?’ I don’t want it if it was not. Are You mad, what? Do You care
if I cry and shrink off when we dance? Or am I just made at You?

Where would they land?
Maybe it is a gift I need to give.

It slips across my fingers, that huge box I carry around my arms,
tops across someone’s feet, and they stare at it
with the falling gaze of the wind, like a hunger.
It gets kicked until it disappears.

God, you are not the box.
All the boxes I have collected, all the boxes I have stored,
all of them cramped in tight spaces;
I release them to You.

I can give You nothing else.